Kombuchat

How to use a quick nap to your advantage

There are those days that seemingly never end where you’d love nothing more on a warm afternoon to curl up and take a quick, refreshing nap.

However, many people nap incorrectly.

In fact, napping more than 30 minutes is essentially sleep, and can interfere with your evening sleep cycles, leaving you groggy and less restful than when you laid your head down to catch some “z”s.

If you want to mimic the effects of full sleep, a 90 minute nap will help. But for most of us, that’s simply inconvenient.

The sleep experts in the article say a 10-to-20-minute power nap gives you the best “bang for your buck”…For a quick boost of alertness, experts say a 10-to-20-minute power nap is adequate for getting back to work in a pinch.

It’s just enough to give your brain some rest, get the creative juices flowing, and is better for your system than that addictive afternoon energy drink.

Most importantly, it gives your mind a break from the hassles and stresses of the day. We don’t realize exactly how myopic we become when we don’t remove ourselves from daily problems to truly rest and tackle them with new eyes.

Next time you’re feeling that afternoon crash, try a brief nap rejuvenation.

Silence of the lambs (roasted in garlic sauce and butter)

I get asked sometimes if I ever miss life before a cruelty-free diet.

Yes. There are days I long for murder meals. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t.

But, you may also know about my love for brain hacking – even for food time.

brainhacking

So, sometimes when I miss my cruelty diet, I try the following:

I start by walking into my kitchen with an air of terror about me. Rigid – with a heartless, icy gaze. Then, I’ll slowly sneak up on the fruit bowl in the quiet manner of a preying leopard. I can hear them shuddering already. Can you? I reach out, slowly, to soak up the energy of their nervous shifting – and laugh inwardly to myself.

As if that will help.

As if they can go anywhere.

Then, in one swift motion, the banana’s bloodcurldling lament echoes through my apartment complex. There are sobs and tearfully tireless raspy calling out after whichever one I’ve plucked from their family. This goes on for some time, as I retreat to the other room to enjoy my coffee first. Today, an organic Dole will lose her daughter. But for now, she knows the child’s still alive – albeit within view of my hungry stomach, as she quietly calls out to the mother she cannot see. This desperation pleases me.

Then, comes the calm before the storm.

For a moment, the world stops. No bird song. No wind blowing.

Just stillness.

And then… my kitchen captives can hear their kin’s skin being slowly peeled away… while she’s still alive. In a split second, her relatives – who’ve passed out from the earlier traumatic stress – reawaken to hear from atop my fridge that now familiar but distant sound of excruciating screeching. They join in – a vicarious emotional pain that is music to my ears. I am a god conducting a symphony with the mere gnashing of my teeth. Eventually, the pain becomes too much for her to even scream anymore. In paralytic terror, her throat bucks outward and she reflexively gulps at a few final panicked gasps – drowning on her own blood as I finish devouring her nude body at my desktop.

It’s over. It always goes too quickly.

That’s why I keep her hide to quilt into a Cavendish cape for later.

buffalobill

But I try my hardest to make it last.

Plus funds only allow for me to acquire new victims once a week. Thus their entire lives become an agonizing wait during which they’re taunted by fruit flies while they wonder whether they’ll go quickly – in full form – or more brutally: blended along with a few of their cousins – or have spices poured onto them as they’re slowly mashed with a dull spoon into a fruity cinnamon puree. All while the others watch and rock back and forth with the dazed gaze of someone who’s seen the depths of man’s dark abyss.

So yeah. There are workarounds for people acclimating to a cruelty-free diet.

But it’s like my guru taught me that one time when I was Julia Roberts in India.

“It must come from within.”

veganlecter
(Scarier plot twist: the corn was grown by Monsanto)

This tale brought to you by: “A twisted twist on shiz that actually happens to the sentient creatures you eat“ Follow the links above to enjoy!

Can indoor air be more polluted than outside air?

I once got into a heated (to say the least) discussion with a roommate over keeping the A/C on during the winter.

I felt it would be best to leave it off and leave the windows open to the cool evening, allowing some refreshing air flow.

My roommate preferred to keep the window shut around the clock and the A/C on, even when it was the same temp outside as the A/C inside. The claim was that the outside air was too polluted, so it was better to leave the A/C on and window closed.

For once, I feel vindicated:

Indoor air can be five times as polluted as outdoor air, so open the windows whenever the weather—and your AC or heating budget—permit.

Indoor air allows chemicals to concentrate in a smaller location. It’s a small-scale version of what happens in the Central Valley of California: polluted air is trapped in the bowl-shaped Valley and isn’t allowed to dissipate due to the mountains surrounding the Valley. This geographical feature leaves the area with some of the worst air quality in the country.

If you’re an A/C addict, start small. Open the windows before 7AM on a Saturday morning and let the cool breeze come in.

Do distractions help or hurt mindful eating?

I’ve always thought it was interesting how most dogs are “self-feeders”.

Don’t worry – this isn’t going to be another dog post. But what’s fascinating to me is how when it comes to their own, regular, non-human food – they’ll eat a bit and say “put a fork in me” (not literally – that would be terrifying on several levels). But if you put some leftovers from whatever you’re eating down on the ground, they’ve got their dining bib back on in seconds.

Why is that? I tend to think it has more to do with all the excitotoxins and herbs and salts and spices we (and manufacturers) use to decorate every meal like a sacrificial Christmas tree destined for our tongue and gullet. We like variety because we get bored, so we spoil our mouths at meals. Is this bad? Not necessarily – but for some, it causes them to overeat because you get addicted to the seasoning itself – and go past the point of satiation in the process. And if you over-serve yourself food, you may eat the whole plate instead of saving seconds for tomorrow (and in effect, saving money, weight gain, and so on).

campbells
(Amy’s is where it’s at.)

But this recent study on portion control showed first that adults tend to lick the plate clean while kids turn their noses up at most stuff. And then “yes-and” analysts tried to expound on this study, claiming that distractions while eating make you consume less. I dunno about this because the “distractions” in the actual study had to do with more interactive things – like eating out at a restaurant and using a computer. Most people I know are actually more likely to overeat if they’re passively being distracted by a T.V. or sat in a movie theater and captive audience to the Platonic puppets playing on the silver screen cave wall.

Plus, I feel like another factor is whether you’re alone and just eating your feelings.

feelings
We can see that, honey :/

If you’re a real foodie, even then the distractions aren’t quite as alluring.

For me and most people I know, if we’re just hanging out outside and eating, the meal always ends with something left on the plate. It doesn’t matter if we’re at a restaurant, the beach, or on the deck outside of our own abodes. The only “distraction” or “entertainment” is the comfort of the natural surroundings and the way food tastes different when there’s fresh air mixing in with it.

Hey! Maybe that’s why people get so effing fat in winter – because it’s so shitty outside and there’s nothing real to take comfort in. So we sit on the couch stuffing our faces with spiced up grub like birds voluntarily prepping for our final form as foie gras.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Then by spring, we’re too addicted to the seasonings to appreciate real food’s taste.

Who knows? It’s all supposition. Even science constantly contradicts itself on this. And -… wait are you still looking at that force-fed goose being tortured up above? Ah, you are. That’s alright. After all, distraction’s good for mindful eating, right?

Bon appetit!

Science says starving is healthy.

Science says: Fasting is good for you!

Well… food fasting is good for you. For like… a day. Or two.

And you still to have water.

And eat clean.

renstimpyeatingclean
(Close enough.)

I’ve got a friend or twenty who do cleanses and fasts and coconut water fasts and…

…it’s dizzying. I can’t keep up and I don’t have any warm fuzzy feeling about trading in tomatoes for dirty dishwater. They make it seem intuitive (do it when your body needs it) and I’d totes be down with that, but my mind body connection is sort’ve off to the point where I can’t trust it. I hafta do a bit of work to get into normal people mode each day – so I’m no sure what to use for “this is the normal-A.M. shitty feel” versus “Uh oh, I have ebola again” barometer. I usually just wait till I go all Linda Blair on my barista and paint her in last night’s soup before I dare to say, “Hmmm. I might be slightly under the weather.”

meangirlsweather

Whether you’re like me or can see the sickies coming a mile away with your third eye, science has shown evidence that short-term fasts can be alright for both boosting immunity, mental function, and longevity. Immunity-wise, the fast allows an expedited killing off of damaged, useless bum white blood cells loitering around your body and smoking weed on the couch all day, while the other ones are hard at work. Then, when your body machine rebounds, your stem cells are all like “I got this shiz” and set you up with a brand new sexy batch of healthy replacement WBCs to kick pathogen ass.

Long term, though? No Bueno. In fact, when people do this for non-sickness reasons – like diet or religion – if they’re body-smart, they’ll either stop after a day or two or eat at sundown. The best thing to remember though is that – even though it’s singing your name like an Odysseyean siren – go for fruits and veges (says science, not me) versus the crappy stuff after your fast. Your body’s telling you yes and your mind’s telling you “Don’t come to me for a second opinion when your father already gave you an answer. Go to your room, you insolent child! And bring this entire cheesecake and a serving spoon!”

So you’ve got two shoulders full of devils. But your higher-mind knows that’s just your biological programming Matrixing itself into the Grapes of Wrath and thinking ya might never see food again until the incestuous supper finale when you have to drink milk from your daughter’s titties.

Wait – was it daughter? Or niece?

Nephew?

ivegotnipples

I dunno. I’ve starved to get skinny before. But now that I can halve my weight and eat shit too (let’s collectively acknowledge that that failed as an “have my cake” substitute and move on), it seems less appealing to do for funsies. Plus, I get addicted to things easily. And fasting is one of those things where it’s annoying at first, but then you start to get this high toward the end where you feel like Casper’s drunk cousin. That lithe, intoxicated, starvation valium can be a bit too easy to latch onto – and by the time it sets in, my brain’s not functioning well enough for me to think, “Oh, these must be symptoms of my body shutting down!” Instead, my Oliver Twist antithesis kicks in, rejecting rations, and singing Pink Floyd remixes in joyful protest of sustenance.

“We don’t need no mastication

We don’t need no peristalse

Hey! Wolfgang! Leave me the Puck alone!”

starve

Yeah. No. One’a you’z try this.

And report the results back to me.

A first-hand account of sensory deprivation tanks

Sensory deprivation tanks, or “iso tanks”, are a little known form of meditation which involves floating in a soundproof, lightproof saltwater tank the size of a tanning bed.

They are on the cutting edge of alternative medicine, and are not as widely found as other treatments, but they provide an unparalleled and unique effect on the body.

There are some things to remember before going in:

The water is salty enough that you float effortlessly. Yes, you need to completely LET GO. You won’t sink. If you fall asleep, you won’t drown. Just let go.

Which is strong advice for many of life’s problems.

What are the effects?

about 75% of people who use them will report an improvement in depression and anxiety after ONE use. (I can personally say that I felt significantly better, lighter, happier and calmer after my first use.)

The constant stimulation of the outside world has a continuous effect on those who suffer from depression and anxiety.

By allowing your body to calm, insulate it from outside stresses and noise, and have directed focus, you can overcome the struggles which lead to depression and anxiety.

If you haven’t tried out an iso tank experience, you should put it on your bucket list.

Is the road to hell also paved with good deeds?

Following this diet began as a venture into sexy.

That shiz got boring when it took too long.

But when I started eating more natural, organic, juicy-like-a-Brazilian-butt-stuff (versus the vegan form of junk food), I went to bed with Buddha’s belly and woke up with Ghandi’s (that’s a metaphor; I’m not a spiritual Dahmer Bundy chimera. Despite popular opinion).

womanjesus
(To be fair, he did request we body buffet him at his going away party.)

That was when veganism veered without my permission into the territory of being about being less douchey. And I thought I was going to lose my whole identity. Could I carry on being my brand of “kinda an asshole, kinda sweet?” The answer is yes. Because no one has a true brand. None of us. Sometimes we’re nice, sometimes we’re dicks, and sometimes three shrinks will try to tell us we’re bipolar. And what do we do about it? Take ’em out Dexter Morgan style and get a fourth opinion, obviously.

Nothing. Nothing at all.

dextersmile
(Great. Now everyone knows what’s really happening when I rando-grin)

But underlying my sarcastic, defensive, and cruel retorts I-try-to-not-say-anymore-but-come-naturally-to-mind-so-easily-that-it-hurts, there’s a well of kindness I’m still not sure how to access easily. And what I do observe is that some hardcore vegans forget (while getting caught up in diet dogma) a basic principle of their own philosophy – that compassion extends to all creatures – including fellow people.

An example – my sister likes to put the sign of the Jesus-cross on my forehead whenever we part ways. Do I believe in her religion? No. Do I have some traumatizing but-I-suppose-there-are-altar-boys-who’ve-had-it-worse style associations with the Catholic church? Yes. And did my sister anoint me with this sign I don’t believe in, using a finger full of Chicken Little carcass grease last week? Yes. This all happened.

And there was a time I would have morphed into a Jersey [Sh]whore ’bout it.

dramatrauma

But that’s the thing about trying to be less of an asshole – you see the bigger picture.

It’s my sister, she loves me, she wasn’t doing it to be passive aggressive, and she was just using the tools that help her access the same cosmic force we all live by and to whom some assign names. As for the chicken grease, that might have been a bit thoughtless, but she acknowledged that. And even if she does do it again, I’ll simply do the compassionate thing:

Clockwork Orange her ass into watching Earthlings.

For 24 hours.

On repeat.

clockworkcured

So, it’s not easy but it might be the only diet I haven’t gotten bored with.

While there are some yes-and details about that which are awesomely transcendent, language does a shitty job of conveying them. Sorry ’bout it.

Instead, I’ll say this much: When I eat energizing foods, I get jazzed and want – not have – to jog for an hour each day. Even when I do less, the scale numbers drop. Once they dropped by ten pounds, I crossed the FitBit off my list. Why bother? My workouts are about fun. My meals are exciting. I’m never lethargic and never starving. Maybe that’s what drives a selfish bish like me into feeling a bit kinder. And it’s not just because I’m not eating deep fried corpse. But for once I don’t have to monitor input output like a sadistic bank that charges you hidden fees which show up as assfat. And when I stop worrying about vanity-concerns, I can focus on other people.

And I’m still not sure about the human versus animal compassion hierarchy. Or what to do when diet and attempts at being like the Buddhist Monk version of Jesus crash head on like those two trains that got mixed signals that one time.

Still I try. Like yesterday, for instance. I usually don’t like to share my attempts at doing nice things (‘cause it comes off all “look at me!”) on social media, but this dude I respect (Mr. Russell Brand) asked his Youtube viewers about something good they’ve done recently – in an effort to focus on positives instead of negatives. Interestingly enough, I’d done something earlier that day when I met a lady called Cathy holding up a cardboard sign saying “I’m homeless” and I mentioned it only because he’d asked people to – but also I had motives of my own. That hierarchy o’ life reverence reared its head slightly and I desired a bit of input.

trews
(Well, even Jesus kicked over a few church tables in the name of do-gooding.)

Growing a conscience orchard with clay soil results in a forest of confusion fruiting trees.

And it’s so stupid that I even worry about things like this.

Especially when my inner Jiminy Cricket still suggests things like, “let’s tell the children accosting your dog that she has rabies and they’re going to catch it if they keep pressing on her so hard. If that fails, tell them their mother’s been rammed by a car and is pinned into a tree and they need to hurry and go to her to say their final goodbyes. If that fails, tell them Adventuretime’s being cancelled. Then cry a little yourself at the thought of Adventuretime being cancelled.”

famguypetbrian

Luckily, I can realize there’s another voice somewhere in there.

And even though the reasonable one I’ve begun hearing and whose advice I try to heed has Dwayne Johnson’s voice (instead of the Morgan Freeman one I ordered), at least I didn’t, ya know, get Mike Tyson’s. So, there’s that.

In sum: The road to hell isn’t paved with good intentions or questionable good deeds.

It’s not paved with anything.

Except an excess of hookers and drugs and being an asshole. Probably.

Herb’s the word: last longer with old spice(s).

Did you know your old spices can save your life?

oldspice

Mmmyeah. No. Not that kinda old spice. I mean the neglected add-ins patiently waiting around in the back of your kitchen cabinet like sad unused toys?

I sure didn’t know. But I have been unknowingly adding in at least some of the major players. Since most of my daytime diet is plain fruit and stuff, a nice warm, comforting bowl of homemade soup is my fave at night. I dump in some fresh-whatever and flavor up my stew of vegetables drowned in their own blood with what’s in my cabinet. Typically my favorite additives include onion, garlic and herbs, a bit of sesame oil, and maybe some hot-sauce. But as I get bored, I’m always looking to new options. So, I just may have to try re-introducing some of these items whose health benefits are being championed so I can stave off a prolonged disease-y death for the second half of my life. Which is coming up. Some of these cabinet warriors that work as natch preventable cure alls are already in my cabinet. Others, I’ll be trying for the first time during my next Wegman’s adventure.

gangrene
(It’s funny ’cause he’s dead now either way.)

While I’m there, I might pick up some Cinnamon. This one’s getting some good press as it was recently shown to reverse Parkinson’s in mice. After working for years with a Parkinson’s patient at my old P.T. job, I’m totes on board for preventing this terrible disease. Loaded with antioxidants, it also helps with type 2 diabetes, lowers blood pressure, and increases insulin sensitivity. You don’t have to do much convincing my tongue, either (giggity?) because I grew up on this stuff – adding it to everything from already sweetened confections to tea with honey. I dunno why I ever stopped buying it, honestly.

Wait – if I buy the type with lots of sugar in it, does it still help?

cinnabun
(It’s funny ’cause it’s false.)

Then there’s turmeric, which I seem to be hearing a lot about lately. A buddy of mine adds it into smoothies and salads and now there seem to be increasing reports about its health benefits. Even though it looks like that weird thing Pan puts under her dying mom’s bed and feeds milk in between her labyrinth dwelling, it may help do exactly what homegirl was trying to accomplish: fight disease. (That is what she was trying to do, right?) It’s proven itself enough in preventing Alzheimer’s and also by slowing cancer enough to be considered a good supplement to chemotherapy. Plus, it suppresses the pathway for growth of things like head and neck cancers. Yes, I’d like the life option that doesn’t end with cancer in my head. Or neck. *Add to the list I always end up leaving at home.*

tumericalz

Another cancer slayer has a sweet name you might hear in a fairy story about the 1800’s: Rosemary.

Deemed super effective in reducing carcinogenic compounds, it’s also an antibacterial and antifungal. So if you’re getting sick or catch snatch rash of the cheesey taco variety, mayhaps this’ll be a good way to avoid the compounded discomfort on top of bottom discomfort when you hafta wait in line with a box o’ vagisil?

If not, there’s always a silver lining.

yeastqueef

Thyme oil also inhibits bacterial growth so much that marinating poultry in it helps increase its shelf life. What’s more – it also reduces inflammation. So if you’re suddenly having a pizza face episode outta nowhere and don’t like using those benzoyl creams that make you look like Harvey Dent, thyme’s on your side.

And on your side for pain is ginger. You may have used ginger for an upset tummy or as a nice side for your Fukushima sushi, but did you know it can also assuage arthritic aches? Or even just after-exercise-it-hurts-because-I-don’t-work-out-enough-and-my-body’s-in-shock kinda aches? A couple grams in a capsule is suggested daily, but I think I’d rather just eat it. Why not? Because, much like tumeric, it also looks like something that might come to life and cry when I start cutting it.

That’s why.

sid

For other sorts of pains, though, there’s peppers.

Ah, man. I wish chile peppers loved my stomach as much as my tongue loves them. Spicy stuff’s my fave, but I end up with the supreme bummer that is wicked heartburn when I eat more than a bite or two of red peppers. Thus, I’m putting my tummy through rehab until it learns this food is capable of reducing pain causing neurotransmitters (and allegedly scale numbers, too). Honestly, I just like the way it tastes – likely an association thing of being a kid and eating garbage pizza (is any pizza not garbage?) which was fun because 1. it was savory and 2. we ordered it on nights when the parents yelled at us the least: Friday.

On that note, I’ve gotta grocery list to construct so I can still do this when I’m like 90:

yogini

“But, Ashley, you can’t even do that now.”

Irrelevant!

I will magically age-reverse and last forever, like a well kept china doll.

Even if it takes all the herb aisles in town.

How popular is alternative medicine?

Alternative medicine has always appealed to a niche group in the United States, but has not quite caught on as much as hoped.

However, in recent years, as healthcare costs mount, people are turning more frequently towards alternative cures for common ailments.

The most frequently used alternative medicines in America are:

  • nonvitamin, nonmineral natural products (18 percent)
  • deep breathing (13 percent)
  • meditation (9 percent)
  • chiropractic or osteopathic manipulation (9 percent)
  • massage (8 percent)
  • yoga (6 percent)
  • special diets (4 percent)
  • homeopathy (2 percent)
  • acupuncture (1 percent)
  • t’ai chi or qigong (1 percent)
  • energy healing or Reiki (.5 percent)
  • naturopathy (0.3 percent)
  • biofeedback (0.2 percent)
  • Ayurveda (0.1 percent)

This mostly corresponds to how many people know about these alternative remedies.

As education of alternative remedies increases, so will the use of alternative remedies.

Also, the more widely alternative remedies are adopted, the more affordable they will become.

Which of these alternative remedies have you tried?