Kombuchat

Sometimes when I’m shopping, I’ll buy the gluten-free tortillas.

Why not? They just sound healthy. Don’t they? Like something skinny bitches in L.A. eat between sucking emerald sludge through a straw? I mean, my only real allergy to white starchy carbs is that they sit shitty in my tummy organ. I don’t turn into Violet Beauregarde or anything. I just sorta feel like her (had she also eaten the whole factory including the green haired Snookie colored micro humans). But it’s not like I implode or shit fire or whatever. So what is gluten intolerance? Does it even exist?

A recent study says…maybe not.

In it, people claiming to have gluten intolerance were tested. The cool thing is that the same dude who posted the original study (prompting the 2011 commercialized craze campaign against the grain), now shows evidence negating its existence as a disease at all. While the studies don’t deny celiac disease (totally different thing) exists, they do say that gluten intolerance might just be psychological.

Now, card carrying members of the “Uh muh guh… I can’t eat that” club suddenly have their butts hurting along with their intestines. But why? I think there are a few salient points studies like these raise.

It’s not illegal to suffer from your fake disease.

So keep believing whatever you like! In college, I got a stomach-blahbla-whatever from Thai food. And suddenly I became Linda Blair upon ingesting questionable vittles. I lost a fuck ton of weight. Then it abated. But if I wanted to keep my new low weight, that meant I needed the health problem to prevent eating crap again. Well, that or willpower. People do the same thing for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes it’s for pity. Sometimes it’s just an excuse to avoid really living life. And you know what’s nice about our country?

We’re free to imprison ourselves in fake infirmities whenever we like.

It’s a diet mod, not med.

When was the last time you got carded to be overcharged for carbs? So long as they say celiac disease is still real, those gluten free noms will still be labeled on shelves. And you know what? Anyone can buy them! Or am I wrong? Do they demand ID upon selling sawdust flavored wraps? Wait – do they require a prescription now? Is someone keeping a pertinent detail from me?

No? Then shoosh and shop. Buy out Wegman’s expensive bread section. Quietly.

Disease isn’t an identity.

There are other, more productive and fulfilling ways to be special. After my herniation and shit storm of body problems, my P.T. said “grow a sack, bitch.” In retrospect, it might have been more like “you are not your pain.” But probably not. Still, he led me from walking like Quasimodo and crying into pill bottles for years – to jogging. And modelling. Lingerie. In Milan.

’cause that’s totally what I was doing before.

Do I still have problems? Hell, yeah! I gotta post-coma Beatrice Kiddo my way outta bed every morning. But it wouldn’t affect me if the news suddenly said “Backaches are fake!” Why? Because I don’t need scientific significance for my experiences. It just assigns emotions to phenomena. If something hurts, I feel it, fix it, then fuck it off. If a food makes me sick, I avoid it – not throw a pathos party at the the dinner table.

Besides, I’ve already been there, done that, bought the XS tee-shirt. It’s boring.

Genuine illnesses or not – we’re more our maladies.

On the defensive or asking questions?

Instead of getting angry, why not flip it critically? Who did the research? And who was in the sample? And what parts of the story aren’t being told or emphasized? Just because it’s broadcasted doesn’t make it law.

Also, consider who ran it. The same researcher who showed evidence of gluten intolerance even being a thing several years ago – is the one disproving his own study now. While that says a lot about his humility as a professional (which is awesome) it also indicates something far larger: science revises itself because it’s not always right. Scientists do research because the field evolves.

They’re great – but not gods.

When science becomes infallible, “scientist” won’t be a job.

So, do your thang, girl.